I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
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Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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