I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
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I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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