Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize