im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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