i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
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He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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