i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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