I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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