By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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