made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I currently don't understand fingers.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize