thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
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Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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