This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
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I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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