he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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