the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
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I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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