My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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