Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I CAN MOONWALK!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
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You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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