i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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