I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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