I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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