dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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