my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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