Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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