Moan for me like Helen Keller
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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