mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She's the barista slut.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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