I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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