So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
In America we eat man semen.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
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Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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