Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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