I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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