Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
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Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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