I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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