I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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