I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
And then he peed in my hair
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