I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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