the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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