We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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