My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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