in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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