What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
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How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
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DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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