I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
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Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
how drunk are you?
Several
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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