just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
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Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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