I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize