I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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