also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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