I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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