there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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