ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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