I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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