I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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