Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
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I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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