They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize