Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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